As I was driving a child to a school event I became very thoughtful. The reverie continued on the way home, back to get him, and all the way back home.
So many thoughts rolled through my head, that they can hardly be summarized, categorized, or placed in any kind of sense.
As I drove I looked around and thought about how envious I am of the people living in the houses lining the roads. First of all, these people take for granted what so many of us Americans long for, a home. I mean there are nice beautiful homes in this area. They have two or more cars in the driveways; and some of them have pools or ponds in their yards. The are so picturesque, and I long for the day I can have something of the like. However, I often think that is one dream that I shall never be able to fulfill.
My husband has lofty dreams. He dreams of owning his own land, buying and renting out mobile homes. He also wants to buy a mobile home for us to live in. However, I find that I do not want a mobile home, no matter the fact, that it would at least put a roof over our heads. It just is not the way I grew up, and it is hard for me to resign myself to the thought of buying another one. He also dreams of solar panels, wind powered electricity, and underground heating. I just doubt our budget will ever fill that dream.
Travel: I dream of traveling. I read reports on the internet, cruise through discount travel sites, and watch travel programs. I watch as "friends" and family go on trips, and I peruse their pictures, and try to picture myself in the pictures, smiling and having a good time. And while I have taken trips, they are not the trips of my heart and dreams. I long to visit Ireland, Scotland, England, New York, Niagara Falls, Mount Rushmore, The Grand Canyon, the US capital, and too many more places to mention. I often thought that nursing would take me to some of these places. I wanted to be a travel nurse, but because I no longer want to be a nurse, I fear I will never get to see the places I want to see. People are realizing the shortness of their lives and are finding the money to travel, but responsibility to my kids keep me rooted (and broke).
Friends:
I realized today, I have no true friends. All the kids I knew growing up have moved on to very different lives. Many of them hesitate to even talk to me about their lives. I have not kept up with but one friend over the years, and now I fear she and I have nothing in common to even sustain a conversation. I know people who have "girl's nights" and "date nights" with their girl friends and better halves. I do not even have that. I seem to have become a recluse, and sit now wondering why. Do I not trust people anymore? Do I whine and complain around people too much? Or am I just too lazy to get out of my house? Do I have real friends, or do my doubts keep my bound up in insecurities? Why do I not like my life, and why do I keep pushing my husband away?
I have offered drinks with friends or time to catch up with them. They never initiate, or reciprocate. I recently made plans to go see a long time friend and could not go. 1) I had no money for gas, and 2) I was scared. I was scared we would not get along anymore. That in fact we would not have anything in common anymore.
I have collected almost 400 friends on Facebook, but I maybe two or three are genuine friends. What a lonely feeling this is.
Family:
First I must say, my relationship is the best it has been with my mom. She and I seem to relate on a different level than we ever did. Maybe its because I know depression. Or perhaps its because I know parenthood and the stresses that come with it. Maybe its because I am older and wiser, or perhaps its because I am lonely and willing to forgive. I do not know, but I am glad for it.
Second, my biological family: I paid 500 dollars to find them, and now I do not know where they are. I have not seen any of them in (I think) four or five years. Last I heard my sister was still fighting for custody of her first daughter, and she had just had a second one. I have not seen my first niece since she was 2 months old, and I have never seen my second niece (by my sister). I have not heard from my biological mother since last summer before we were evicted from our apartment. I have no idea if she is homeless now, or whether she sees her other children at all. I imagine she is still separated from her husband, and seriously doubt she sees her other girls. I miss her (well all of them). I especially miss having my nieces in my life.
My biological father is a conundrum. I had a great dad, but he died, and I am not looking to replace him. My father is still a mystery to me. He recently hunted down my new number and called me to let me know he was in the hospital. He then, jokingly, suggested I move to Georgetown to take care of him. He asks for pictures of my boys, and a visit from us. But he knows us less than I know him. My children do not know him at all, and (being teenagers and boys) have no desire to know him.
My brothers: One brother (the one I grew up with) is a drug addict and alcoholic, I imagine. I do not know where he is or what is going on his life, and I imagine I never will again. My other brother did not grow up with me, is 12 yrs my junior, does not really know me, and shows no interest in getting to know me.
My sister in law, and brother in law: They have made their life over by her parents. They have shunned his mother (my mother in law) and they never come to see any of us. They recently traveled to Philadelphia to visit a friend, but came for exactly forty five minutes on Easter Sunday to spend time with us. The same is true of almost every holiday. They show up, eat nothing to very little, pick on my kids about one thing or another, make my mother in law feel less than dirt, and then they leave to go back to their happy home. She is busy with her children's school, her best friends, and selected members of each side of the family, and her kid's after school activities. She has lost so much weight that she looks anorexic, her oldest son also looks anorexic. And of course, I am envious! I hate that she has the life I want! And I think it is what has driven the wedge between us, because she used to be one of my best friends. Of course I do not know how I can call her that in hindsight knowing the things I know now.
Finances:
I have so much debt I could not possibly pay it all in this lifetime! I keep bouncing my checking account, and I can not save any money. I am presently unemployed, and we are paying our bills, just not any past due bills. We had one home repossessed, had to move out of one because it was falling in (literally), forced to move from a rent to own home (which I loved) because a "friend" deserted us in our hour of need, and then were evicted from an apartment because I could not get enough work. Plus we were living above our means.
We are now living within our means, but, we are living in a very dilapidated mobile home. I actually fell through the porch. And we are having to drive two hours each way to see two of our children. The only thing to come out of this move, is my relationship with my mom.
Its no wonder I get so depressed so easy. I have not learned how to cope with the issues in my life, and I continue to make the same mistakes over and over.
I do have good days, but today just is not one of those days. Because I am sitting here realizing nothing is in order. I have no money, no grasp on my finances, no good relationship with friends or family, no car, no home, no job. My health is failing me and I am depressed.
How much more can I hate this life. Days like this is when I wish my Father God would just as soon call me home, than for me to deal with whats left of this life. Especially if its never gonna get better.
