The Wednesday Letters

If you have not read this book, I suggest you do. It is a short book (read it in one day), but it is absolutely the best I have read it a long time.

For women in America, equality is still an illusion"???? Really?

Please read this article before reading my comments, Thank you.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/19/AR2010021902049.html

First of all, Let me just say...I am not a Feminist. I am a woman, a nurse, a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a sister. 

I believe in the right of a woman to have an abortion. I do not agree with a lot of what goes on within the DSS building, but also do not agree with all that goes on in domestic homes.

I do think that if a person of the female persuasion works harder or is better at a job than her male peers, then she be compensated accordingly. BUT: I firmly believe this drive women have for being in the work place, which was pushed by our feminist counterparts in a former generation, has made it harder for women to stay at home with their children. I seriously believe if we had more mothers at home, we would have less children running the street and getting into trouble.

If we as mothers could focus less on the bills, less on our jobs, and more on the state of our families, then our nation would be better off. Where does the equality issue come in when we discuss the raising of the children. That is the equality that must be discussed, especially if society still demands women to support their families too.

I am still of the old mindset, that if I have to raise the children, do the housework, cook the meals, and write out the bills, then I should not also have to go to a full time job everyday. I also believe if it were not for the initial demands by women to make more money, our economy would not be in the toilet today.

Yes, I believe we have an inequality problem when it comes to sex crimes! That is a known fact. But we need to separate rape and murder of women from a discussion of inequality in the work place. They (in my opinion) are not one and the same. Rape and Murder are heinous crimes that have occurred in every nation, and in every generation. And speaking from experience, women and girls (while the majority are) are not the only people being raped, murdered and molested in our society.

When does rape, murder, and molestation stop in the world? How do we get rid of it? Do we kill all the men? Well, hell, that isn't an option. Do we pray? Well, has that worked? So what do we do? How, as a Feminist, would a woman stamp out these atrocities in our society, our world? You can't. There will still be perverts, rapists, murders, and molesters. We can not know what is in the mind of an individual until they perform these atrocious acts (and sometimes not even then). Our prisons are overflowing with rapists, murders, and molesters, but no one has discovered how to stop them. They just cycle right back out into society to do the same things over and over.

My son was molested and orally raped by a perpetrator several years ago. The guy admitted guilt and is serving 30 years in Prison. But more than likely he will be released and not rehabilitated by the time he gets out. So will he more than likely continue the behavior? Probably! And do you think the sexual predator registry will stop him? Probably not!

 Who cares if I am not equal to my husband. I want him to take care of me and our children. I still have a life, and I enjoy it greatly! 

Have I been raped? NO! But do I care about other women? YES! Do I know how to stop them from being raped or murdered? NO! I think most criminals are equal opportunists. They don't care who gets hurt. Whether the criminal is male or female! You know, we have more male prisons than we do female prisons. However, the female prisons are overflowing too. 

Live Like you are dying...

This is an entry required for my intro class at Ashford University:

"I went skydiving I went rocky mountain climbing I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu And I loved deeper And I spoke sweeter And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin' And he said some day I hope you get the chance To live like you were dyin' " Popular lyrics by Tim McGraw.... So the question is what would I do if I only had six months to live. I  seriously doubt I  would go sky diving or mountain climbing, or ride a bull as Tim  McGraw croons.  However, I would love deeper, speak sweeter and give forgiveness. I'd  like to think I  already do that, but, I would find more time for prayer, and more time  with my family.  I certainly would not fill my days with work, or knowledge. I would not  let simple  worries wear me down.  I would teach my kids all I could. I would simply give my family all of me.   You see, I have nothing monetary or physical to leave in a will.  I would  leave  them legacy, love and happy memories.  I would go and see friends I had not seen in years. I remember a few  years back about a  friend from high school. She told me she had breast cancer that had  metastasized to her  lungs. She asked me when I was coming to see her. We talked daily, but  I never got the  chance to go back and see her before she died. I have always regretted  that. As our textbook so eloquently puts it, death is a "universal developmental  event in a  particular individual's life" (Boyd &Bee, 2006). Some of us are blessed  to know  when or approximately when it is coming, so we can prepare our loved ones.  Then, some  of us don't know when it's coming. However, it is always best to be prepared.  I have dealt  with death and dying so often in my young life, and I hope I have not been  jaded by it. I  am happy to say that death doesn't scare me, and that in fact, I am ready for  it. Don't get  me wrong, I am not suicidal, and I know I have a purpose here. Many people  theorize  about what comes after death, and I sure do not have the answers, but what  ever is out  beyond what we know; I can only hope I will find loved ones waiting for me  and preparing  a place for me. I can only hope I have done this life justice while I was here... Do you know the lyrics, "This world is not my home, I am only passing through"?  I love  that song, and believe it with all my mind, heart, and soul.  I recently heard about someone who had always wanted to live in California,  and when I  friend died young, he decided to do just that. So, now he lives in California. I think of so many times, we say, "I am going to do that one day"...Well, one  day is here!  Do it now. We do not know what tomorrow will bring (or today, for that matter).  I am content at the moment to enjoy what life has given me. I am content to  let the past be  the past. My only single desire in this life is to see Ireland before I die. Hopefully,  sooner than later!  This is just a food for thought piece.

Kids, careers, self-doubt, and guilt.

Well, what to say, what to say? 

School: Is going well so far. Not much to say here, except that. The class is really boring...but I have a 90 in the class, so far. 

Children: Chris has a new girlfriend! And is actually going to church with her tomorrow. I have been trying to drag that boy to church for years! LOL...And now he has a girlfriend and is going to church. He is still doing well in JROTC, and is talking about going in the Marines after graduation. Since starting to date, he has decided he wants to go to Prom, because she is a Junior.

Timmy is sick, feverish. But still in love and I am so surprised by the mature guy is has grown into! I am so proud of him and all he continues to accomplish. I wonder if he (and the other boys) know how much I love them, and of all the hopes and dreams I have for their lives? He is awaiting the Junior Prom also!

Brandon and Ryan: brought home Interims last week. They were not good. The thought that I should not have moved to Hampton grows more with each day. Brandon has several F's and D's and all he talks about is having a girlfriend, made all the more urgent since both of his older brothers have girlfriends now. I think that since he is on the cusp of turning 14 makes it much more important to0. Ryan had four F's, and I am pretty sure he will be repeating the fifth grade. My biggest fear is that he will end up repeating family history and dropping out of school. But of course, with me as his mom, he knows that is not an option. My first reaction is to punish them by restricting them from their new X-Box, but if I do that, then Ryan will read even less. I mean, at least, he is forced to read on some of the games he plays. And it keeps me sane, and able to get more done without them whining in my ear about boredom! So I guess I am hoping that the shame of having to repeat a grade will be punishment enough, but worry that it won't be enough at all. Brandon and Ryan fight constantly, and are driving Jamie and I crazy almost literally!

Work: Surprisingly enough, I do not miss working. I am now getting food stamps, and haven't heard from unemployment yet. But because of the tax money, we were able to pay some bills ahead, Rent and Insurance. Which means I can breathe easier knowing we can survive on Jamie's pay check alone. It means extras will have to go by the waste side (like cell phones), and I still cant afford but one vehicle...but at least we can survive. I have a friend from Facebook who offered me half his earnings if I could sell some of his books, but although I am trying, I do not have a taste for selling, and know absolutely zilch when it comes to promote someone. I did an email and sent it out...but I do not think he liked it...It was not creative at all...and he suggested something better. But, what do I do? I already sent out the first set of emails, and its all the email addresses I had. Do I turn around and use his idea, and re-send to the same email addresses? or What?

I was reminded by my mother-in-law of all the things that are coming regarding the kids: I have to get two tuxes for Junior Prom, corsages, and boutonnières, for two boys and two girls. And this summer, Senior Pictures and Senior fees for graduation and invitations...And Graduation Gifts!!! Arrrggg...While I have been waiting for this time, I had forgotten how expensive it is. and Timmy still doesn't have a job to help contribute, and not entirely sure why, but still doesn't have his driver's license. 

Last Week I finally got Jamie's ticket paid, paid the fees DMV charged us for the lapse in insurance, and for not paying his ticket on time. Then had to turn around and pay another $10 for paying his taxes late. Needless to say, this year has been rough financially, but it is turning out ok, Thanks in part to a lot of prayers. 

For my Valentines Day gift, I got a new tattoo. It is a beautiful butterfly across my back (upper shoulders). I love it...Just a shame it is in a place I can't see without a mirror.

I am still contemplating what my new career will be and how well I will be at it. I still want to find my niche in life, to find a place where I can earn a paycheck and still be happy doing something I love. I still want to write a book, or several books, but seem to lack the motivation or drive or creativeness to do so. I think it just might be nerves...or self-doubt keeping me from continuing to write the story I started. But at this point, I seem content to just stay home, and not worry about working. But then I worry if Jamie will get upset with me about me not contributing financially to the family, especially with Graduation and Senior years coming up in the next two years! 

Books: I just finished three books in one week. I finished the last two books in the Twilight series, and they were great. I had a hard time putting them down. I also finished Laurel K. Hamilton's last Anita Blake, Vampire Slayer series, "Flirt". It was good, but too (way too) short (I finished it in less than 8 hrs). But at the end of the book was a snippet about where she gets her ideas from and after also reading "About Writing" by Stephen King, it just makes the desire to write even stronger. 

As I wrote for my class this week...I remembered about how the Unknown is so scary. I  think not knowing what tomorrow will bring scares me to death. I have no idea where I am going or doing. I am not sure if I really care at the moment. Like I said, I kinda like not working, but feel a little guilty, too. 

My life is absorbed by kids, school, careers, self-doubt, and guilt...But, greatest of All is Love. Confidence in Jamie's love, in the love of my children, in the relationship of my in-laws, and in the relationship with my mom. That is the only thing, matter of fact, that I will miss when I move back to Columbia...My mom! Surprising, I know. I have had so many years where Moma and I haven't gotten along that it feels so weird to have her back the way I wish she'd always been. And Brandon has really fallen in love with my mom. He misses her, and has said as much when he doesn't see her in a few days.

They tore down our old house on Lightsey St. and now there is only a empty lot where it used to stand. And I really hate that! I dreamed of buying that house and restoring it to its former glory, but now that can not be! And , just, how sad! 

Well, I guess that's all for today.

My day, so far.

Well, I just finished the first half of week 2 in my Psy2002 class with Ashford University. I find the pace of this class rather slow, but overall going well. I am revisiting some of my Psych theorists and meeting a few new ones. I finished my outline for my Reflective Paper which is due in less than three weeks, and am just feeling overly confident. (I will not wait for the other shoe to drop!!!) hahaha....

Yesterday, I reached a minor milestone with my mom. She let me borrow her car to go to the grocery store. That is so major for me, though. I have never (and I am 36) driven my moms car. It was surreal, to say the least. Another strange occurrence happened while I was at the grocery store. My mom washed my dishes (there were not that many), and cleaned off my dining room table. That is another surreality, because I have not known my mom to clean up after me in something close to 27 years! She didn't even clean my room when I was a child. Thank God I had made my bed, or she might have done that too...I think she was just trying to stay busy in order to stay awake. What ever the reason, I love this new Moma. I am going to be sad to leave her when we move back to Columbia. 

   

I got to bed in the wee hours of the morning. Actually I fell asleep at 4:30 am while reading and trying to stay awake in order to get the boys up for school. The alarm woke me up at 5:30, whereby I knocked on our very thin walls to wake up my youngest son, who was apparently more awake than me. I dozed in and out until the left, and then finally got up and went to lay across my bed.

Now I think I will research Comic book outlets and find a new income?!? Wish me luck.

I have been up all night, so far! It will soon be time to wake the guys for school. I dont know why I did this...because I know I have three chapters in my text book to read tomorrow...and assignments due by midnight tomorrow! Agggg... If I go to bed now, I will miss the alarms in the morning...and the kids will miss the bus! Which they would love, but since they already have a four day weekend coming up, I do not think them being off an extra day will really help. Plus Ryan has a Valentines day party tomorrow at school. 

Dreams

I do not usually dream, or if I do they are few and very far between, and usually very bizarre. Well last night I had a dream, and it (as usual) was strange, and very short. You might call it something like a film clip, or maybe a scene from a movie. Shortly before I awoke from this dream I was laying across the bed reading the second book from the twilight series. This clip or scene didn't appear to have anything to do with the book. I am not sure where the thought came from or what inspired it, but here it is:

It was night time and I was sitting in a boat. The boat was long, slender, but not slender like a canoe. It looked like one of those little boats you might see in an Italian movie, you know the type where a couple is being pushed down the river. Well, anyway, I wasn't alone. There was a boy in my boat, and another boat beside us. There were two people in the second boat as well. I cannot now see the other three people in this scenario, except the lady in the other boat. She had curly red hair, and was wearing a Victorian style dress. She was very pretty, with a patrician nose and bright blue eyes. She had what looked like a puppy with her. The dog looked like a chihuahua, the small yappy sort. We were all chatting, or maybe arguing about something. I cannot recall what the conversation was, but all of a sudden the puppy thing jumped into my boat. It latched on to my right arm and wouldn't let go. But by now, it didn't look like a puppy, and it did not feel like a puppy either. It attached itself to my arm with what felt like suction cups, and it was glowing. If I didn't know any better, I would think it was some kind of knew species, one I had never encountered.
When this "thing" jumped across and attached itself to my arm, I began to scream, "Get it off! Get it off!"
And in the other boat, the Victorian dressed lady she is screaming, "Come back, baby! Come back!"
Meanwhile, I jump up and flail my arm around in the air, and with my other hand I am trying to dislodge this "animal" from my arm. The thing on my arm is still glowing and it feels very warm, almost hot.
Of course, as you can imagine, I rocked the boat. I fell in the water trying to keep my arm out of the water. I still flailed around trying to get this stupid thing off my arm. I could feel fear taking over my heart and lungs. I my heart raced a mile a minute, and I had a hard time catching my breath. I brought my arm under the water, hoping that maybe the thing couldn't breathe under the water, but it stayed where it was and continued to glow.
I came back up and cried for help, but no one moved to help me. I could feel my energy draining away.  I felt my head go under the water one last time. I saw the people in the boats staring at me in horror one last time.

Then, I woke up. My glasses under the bed, my book on the floor, my heart racing, and my breaths coming in spurts as if I had just finished running a mile, or battling a thing in the water? The light on the night stand glared in my eyes, and my clock read 3 o'clock.  

It took my about thirty minutes to get back to sleep, because the dream had been so realistic. Well, as realistic as some alien thing attaching it to ones arm could be!
I fell back asleep and thought no more about the dream until I woke up later that morning.

When I was a child I used to walk in my sleep. As an adult, I have been told I talk in my sleep and with such a dream it makes me wonder what else I might have been dreaming about. You know, the dreams that I dont remember?