Does it really matter?

For years I have told my children to look at any situation and think, "Will this matter this much tomorrow?". I used to say, "No!"; but does it really? Does what your brother or sister say to you really matter? Does not getting to go to your friends house matter? Does doing your homework before television time, really matter? YES!!! Because they make up a memory! They make memories that we can't replace, duplicate, fabricate, or deny. 

Yesterday, we buried a man I barely knew - a man I had no memories with. He was my father, but not my Daddy, and yet I honored him by showing up - even if he couldn't show up in my life. But, it matters - to me!

Yesterday, I finally got to meet a man I have never known! He's a good man, never-mind the fact that he, too, didn't have a daddy! It matters that I got to meet him. We don't have the memories of being scrappy siblings, or memories of celebrating birthdays, weddings, graduations, births, etc. It matters to me that I don't have memories. 

What does matter is that I showed up! And, that he showed up! We made a memory. 

I have so many thoughts in my head that are way too jumbled up to explain how I feel. But, sometimes, I think I spend too much time worrying about how I feel, and forget to consider how the other person feels.

I imagine what he thinks when he sees me, what does he feel about having a sister who really isn't a sister by any other means than blood. I wonder if his life is so full that he doesn't have room for me. I wonder if there is room for him in my life. I have been hurt so much in my life that I become too sensitive too soon. I put up walls to deflect the pain because I just don't want to feel it.

But, then yesterdays happen, and I wonder is this what my funeral will look like? Too few people to remember my life? What legacy do I leave behind? What memories? Will anyone love me, remember me fondly, KNOW me? Will tears fall to see me gone? Or will every eye be dry? 

From life, I want happiness and joy. I want love and support. I want peace. And, I want strong connections with my families, my children, my friends, and my husband. I want loving Memories! 

I don't want anymore REGRETS. I have too many, already. And most of all, I don't want anymore pain! I don't want to be the cause of pain, or the recipient of it. 

I want every moment to MATTER!!! Is there enough time in this world to make up for time lost? NO! We can only move forward....We need to make every effort to make new, lasting, and happy memories. If not for me, then for my children.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder what matters - what's important. If people have no money, then money matters. If a woman or a man has no spouse, then finding that someone matters. If a couple can't have a baby, then becoming parents matters. Well, when children grow up without one parent or another, or neither; family becomes important. Hopefully! 

You matter, I matter, We matter!!! 

With all my love, Beverly.

Tearing down a house!!!

We are tearing down memories one piece of lumber, sheet rock, shingle, and tile at a time!!! There are too many memories to mention tied up in this house that we are tearing down. In true, the house is just lumber and sheet rock, but there were a lot of sweat, tears, and blood shed in the building of this house.
At every turn Richland County has wronged us, in regards to this house too. First we have to tear the house down or get fined $6000. Then because we don't have a thousand dollars for a demo dumpster, we were taking loads to the dump on our own. NOW we find out that even that's not free. Richland County charges $19.00 per ton to dump in the land fill!!! I totally get that it costs money to pay people to clean up the dump and dispose of the stuff, BUT!!!!
We are broke and cant afford this. On top of not being able to afford to send Chris to the Citadel!
Is it me? Or does it seem like I cant get a break?

Anyway, check out these pics of the progress, so far.

Gripe Fest

Tonight, I sit reading a friend's blog and realize I haven't updated my blog since April 25th. On April 25th, I had a child heading to the Citadel after he graduated...but now he's not going because I can't afford for him to go. Jamie and I visited a bankruptcy attorney last week, but he doesn't feel we have enough "debt" to warrant filing bankruptcy. But, I found a website called rentpurchase.com which I am gonna call-- soon as I get the money to do so. My 18 yr old is still not driving because his dad doesn't take him enough, and because I have a panic attack every time I try to ride with him! I just wish I could come up with the $300 I need for someone else to teach him. And then we will have to get insurance and a car for him... It always comes back to money. I am loving my new job! But I am starting to hear nurses who started orientation with me grumble and complain! They need to work a week at Unihealth and then they would appreciate this place better!!!! (Was reminded tonight that I have passed the 90 day mark) I have discovered I am making about $400-500 less per pay check, which might be why I am struggling to make ends meet! I am missing almost a thousand a month! But what I lose in money, I gain in sanity. On the flip side, I am thinking of looking for a part-time job close to home.. I mean I do have a few days off during the week. But then again, I will start back to school Aug 14th, so maybe I shouldn't add anything else to my basket right now. Of course, if I could just pay the rest of the tuition I owe the school, I could get my diploma and start working as a teacher of Literature. But, too, I am scared to death to start a new career this late in my life, especially one where I would make so much less than I already am making. I am looking forward to registering Brandon for 11th grade and Ryan for the 8th grade. WOW, we only have 5 more years with our kids in school. TIMMY (now 20 yrs old) has applied at Dept of Corrections, for the corrections academy. Freaks me out a little, cause I know how dangerous that job can be. Funny, I never worried bout Jamie, but scares me to have my child in there...I never was scared to work in the prisons myself, either...but He's my child...that makes a big difference. Anyway, he's waiting to hear from them. I HOPE ITS sooner than later because hes making no money at his current job. I Worry bout them so far away from home... AND THEN THERE IS CHRIS!!!! I become negative when it comes to him most of all. I know i have let him down so bad, but I cant afford $18,000 out of pocket for a year! And he still has 2% body fat to lose so he can enlist. I just feel like he's not motivated to leave home. He doesnt work or anything!!!! Oh well, I need to go get some work done...This as usual has been a great Gripe Fest... maybe thats what i need to rename this blog to!

An update...

I have not blogged in so long, and had even forgotten how to log in to this site! Anyway, after cruising through some old blogs, I realized how far I have come in such a short time.
Today, I sit here, a college graduate, a non-smoker, and twenty pounds lighter!!! I have one child in college and one graduating in a few short months. Next year, I will have 2 sons in college, a junior in high school, and an 8th grader! Time seems to be going by too fast, and life is extremely busy at the moment; but, I don't want it to ever slow down!

I have been employed full time for six months, now. And while I love my residents and their families, I am hating the 3-11 hours. Sometimes (a lot of times) I do not get off until the wee hours of the morning. And, with all that I do, every time I make one little mistake at work I feel like I am judged harshly. Hell, I have already been written up twice for forgetting to do my skin assessments! I really dislike this job, but I have a interview tomorrow at 11:30 for a 7p-7a position. I wish and have been praying for a 7am-3p position, M-F. I do not see me ever getting a 7-3 M-F job! No matter how much I pray for it, I just can't find it. It is ever so elusive.
But, in most areas of my life, things are calming down, finally! I should have a BA in English in my hands within a week or so (depending on how fast the mail can get it to me, since I didn't go to graduation). My boys are doing well, despite me. I am finally making progress on my weight loss. But, one area is still struggling: finances. I am still in a financial pickle, fermented with late payments and collections accounts and many student loans!!! It feels as if I will never get out from under this credit issue, and no matter how much I keep praying, it seems as if I will never have a home of my own! I am still living with my in-laws, even after swearing I would never move in with them again. I have now been here 2 years, but was only supposed to be here 6 months. Our credit just will not allow us to leave, and every time I get a little money to pay down some of those collections accounts, something else demands my money. It is ridiculously aggravating!!!
Okay, at the moment I should be doing homework (Masters of Education with Distance learning specialty), so that we can get to the gym for a brutal 2.5 miles on the elliptical! and some weight training to tone some of this flabbiness.
I am alive, and I am not rolling over and giving up!!! I refuse to!!!

"We venerate loyalty - to our schools, employers, institutuions, friends - as a virtue...

...Loyalty, however, can be at least as detrimental an influence as it can be a beneficial one"
(I don't know the author of this quote as of right now)
I found this quote in a GRE study book, and here is my comment to it.


While it is true that loyalty is held in a high regard by most humans; it is also true that loyalty with blinders can be detrimental. Christianity is the largest proof of loyalty gone wrong. Christianity is an entity in which all believers must be loyal to their God, their congregation, their leaders, and to the religion itself. Any disloyalty is met with judgment and shunning - even though Christianity preaches against one brother judging another. However, let one believer state they do not believe, and the entire church will disown them as a member. In this case, being loyal to God, church, and religion keeps one socially acceptable, but disloyal to one's self, especially if you are not a believer. It then becomes a question of whether one venerates loyalty to one's self over the loyalty to one's church.

In order to be loyal to one's God, church, and religion one must believe. If one does not believe, but yet pretends to; then disjustice and disloyalty to one's self is apparent and thereby detrimental to the well being of self. While being detrimental to one's self by claiming loyalty when there is none, one is also being detrimental in relationships with the church and its parishioners. Relationships will fall apart when the deception is learned, and trust will be lost.

On the other hand, having an intense loyalty to God can be detrimental, as well. Believing God can cure anything or protect one from evil causes one to believe there is no need for safe guarding against criminals, or getting a life saving medical procedure. Intense loyalty to God can drive a wedge between one's self, family, and friends, thereby isolating an individual. Intense loyalty to God can make one blind to the world surrounding a person. Sometimes waiting on a miracle from God can be far more detrimental than heeding the words of a law man or a news reporter.

One of the most recent examples of faith-based loyalty with blinders resulted in the detriment of thousands of people as they died in the attacks on New York's twin towers and on the planes of September eleventh. Men with blinding loyalty to their country, their leader, and their God led countless humans to their deaths. The falling of the twin towers stands everlastingly as a reminder of a detrimental loyalty to faith and country. Even the Christian bible affords many examples of detrimental loyalty. The story of one man's trek up a mountain to murder his son because God had told him to is just example of loyalty old as time, and just as detrimental.

Again, and again....

Today, I had a great lunch with a friend from way back! I just love catching up with my friends.
But I totally miss socializing more.


I am finally having to settle, once again, for a 3pm to 11pm job because apparently I can't find a job which allows me to work while my kids are at school. My children are getting older, and need Moma home to do all the little things, like pick them up from football practices, fill out scholarship applications, and college applications with them, and to referee their fights!
Well, that's what I think anyway. Perhaps because the reality is too depressing to contemplate.
Either way, I love my boys, and want to be home in the evenings.


The job sounds good, though. The lady who interviewed me sounded like I would be a good fit, and is willing to work my schedule around the kids games! So, they sounds very promising. And, let's face it 3pm to 11pm is what I was used to working. I just was hoping not to have to go back there, again.
And, I do know corrections, and am used to the behavior of inmates/prisoners...so I should fit right in.
Hahaha....The staff seemed nice, and she said I might could start next week! which is great because I have a two week break at school, so I can just focus on the new job...Can't wait to get the first paycheck, either way!!!
Now...Its hurry up and wait!

"Rainy Days and Mondays, Always get me down"! (Karen Carpenter)

Okay, so I have not blogged in awhile, but hey I think I only have two followers: Thanks, Dana and KaiKai.
Today marks six months and one week that I have not had a cigarette, unless you count second hand smoke (which I can not help).
Okay, updates:
Me,
I now have two part time jobs, but one is a sub for school district (and school doesn't start for a few more weeks), and a part time nursing job. I quit one job due to the fact that twice in one year they have left me three months with no work, and the other months they only use me a week per month. Matter of fact, as a CNA clinical instructor I probably worked 11-12 weeks in one entire year. And, last year every time I got an opportunity to sub at the schools, I was working as an instructor that week. So the CNA clinical instructor position hardly paid, and cost me other work experience.
School, I still am attending Ashford University online. I currently am on the Dean's list with a 3.95 GPA, and am four classes away from graduation. I should graduate in December (one way or another).
Jamie and I will celebrate our twentieth anniversary this year, and hopefully (if the money comes) will be traveling to Boston, New York, and New Jersey for a week and a half in October. Boston is actually part of one of Jamie's classes (but wont get to go if I can not come up with the $100 deposit). New York and New Jersey because I graduate, and we are celebrating our anniversary. Plus, I think, as long as we don't get mugged or worse, it will be a cool trip. I have never been to any of these places, unless you count looking at them on the map.
Financially, I am still a mess. But, that is because I have racked up a lot of medical bills, and joined a gym right before the one job stopped giving me hours. I have had to stop seeing my trainer, So:
Physically, I have not lost any weight. I had lost 12 lbs, but have put them right back on. 1)not drinking enough water, 2) still drinking soda and coffee, 3) stopped counting calories, 4) can't afford to join WW or JC(weight watchers or jenny craig, 5) am not going to the gym like I should cause my knee hurts too much!
Went to Ortho doc about knee, cried, begged for shot or surgery. I got the shot. This is a gel like shot, called Synvisc or something like that. My knee killed me for 4 days after the shot! So I have not been to the gym since last Monday ( a week) ago, and I have eaten what ever I wanted! Icecream, fries, mac and cheese, etc! I am sooooo bad!!!!!

Timothy,
Left yesterday for Charleston in order to go for a job interview today. I hope he gets a job, because if I can not afford to live on my own, I certainly cannot afford his rent. He and Brittany will start Trident Tech on the 22nd, and move into their new apartment on the 20th! Cutting it close, I know.

Chris,
Started Jrotc again last week (his fourth year), started football practice Friday, and is right now at Football practice. Then he will come home, go straight to his room and beg off from any other labor the rest of the day. Bad thing is: I think he has football practice all week!
He took his Senior Pictures last Thursday (those will cost a fortune), and he registers for classes on this Thursday!!! OMG...This time next year, he will be gone...Just dont know where, yet.
I need $100 to register him for SAT and ACT, so he can apply to the Citadel, and for a ROTC scholarship. If he signs a contract with the Navy or Marines, he can get a full ride scholarship, but must do 5 years in that branch of the military (which he wanted to do anyway)...
He has his permit, but I need 270 dollars for him to take drivers ed, and he can not try for the drivers license until October (but now that is right around the corner)

Brandon:
Has no ambition, and no goals. He stays up until 3 or 4 am and then tries to sleep all day. Last week, I made him stay up all day, because he stayed up all night. Trouble was, he went to bed at 10p, and then was up at 4am! I can't win (rolling my eyes). I have to call his advisor today to see if I can schedule a time to see her and discuss Brandon's options since he failed two classes last year, and they have him classified as a freshman again...OMG, I hope he is not going to be a three year freshman (like a friend of ours was).

Ryan, registers for class on Wed, and tries out next Monday for Middle school football. I hope he makes it, even though I know it is gonna cost me a lot of money. But, he really needs to plan for the future...especially since he is the baby of the four boys...Timmy has Grandma to help financially, Chris is going in the military, Brandon has settlement money, but Ryan has nothing, and neither do his parents!

Well, that's everyone:

Oh No...I forgot about the car: My battery died, hubby fried fuses, father in law replaced fuses, and I spent my last 100 on a new battery...Now cross your fingers and hope nothing else goes wrong...And please pray someone calls me for an interview...I need money!!!!! It is soo boring sitting at home waiting on clothes to finish drying, begging kids to help keep the place cool, and clean...And trying to keep my room clutter free!

One great thing, I will hopefully be moving into a new bedroom when Brit and Tim move out: Their room is the room over the garage, so it is twice the size of mine and my hubby's room. (Yea, we still living with my in laws). Still praying for enough money to pay bills and move out! But seeing as I dont manage what God gives me very well, I don't reckon he will keep blessing me with a lot of money.
And when i move to the new bedroom, then I can get Brandon and Ryan off their couches. Except, they might have a new room...I don't know where I am gonna get beds for them, when I have no money!

One thing, for sure: God always takes care of me and mine! And I just have to keep the faith, that he will continue.