"We venerate loyalty - to our schools, employers, institutuions, friends - as a virtue...

...Loyalty, however, can be at least as detrimental an influence as it can be a beneficial one"
(I don't know the author of this quote as of right now)
I found this quote in a GRE study book, and here is my comment to it.


While it is true that loyalty is held in a high regard by most humans; it is also true that loyalty with blinders can be detrimental. Christianity is the largest proof of loyalty gone wrong. Christianity is an entity in which all believers must be loyal to their God, their congregation, their leaders, and to the religion itself. Any disloyalty is met with judgment and shunning - even though Christianity preaches against one brother judging another. However, let one believer state they do not believe, and the entire church will disown them as a member. In this case, being loyal to God, church, and religion keeps one socially acceptable, but disloyal to one's self, especially if you are not a believer. It then becomes a question of whether one venerates loyalty to one's self over the loyalty to one's church.

In order to be loyal to one's God, church, and religion one must believe. If one does not believe, but yet pretends to; then disjustice and disloyalty to one's self is apparent and thereby detrimental to the well being of self. While being detrimental to one's self by claiming loyalty when there is none, one is also being detrimental in relationships with the church and its parishioners. Relationships will fall apart when the deception is learned, and trust will be lost.

On the other hand, having an intense loyalty to God can be detrimental, as well. Believing God can cure anything or protect one from evil causes one to believe there is no need for safe guarding against criminals, or getting a life saving medical procedure. Intense loyalty to God can drive a wedge between one's self, family, and friends, thereby isolating an individual. Intense loyalty to God can make one blind to the world surrounding a person. Sometimes waiting on a miracle from God can be far more detrimental than heeding the words of a law man or a news reporter.

One of the most recent examples of faith-based loyalty with blinders resulted in the detriment of thousands of people as they died in the attacks on New York's twin towers and on the planes of September eleventh. Men with blinding loyalty to their country, their leader, and their God led countless humans to their deaths. The falling of the twin towers stands everlastingly as a reminder of a detrimental loyalty to faith and country. Even the Christian bible affords many examples of detrimental loyalty. The story of one man's trek up a mountain to murder his son because God had told him to is just example of loyalty old as time, and just as detrimental.

Again, and again....

Today, I had a great lunch with a friend from way back! I just love catching up with my friends.
But I totally miss socializing more.


I am finally having to settle, once again, for a 3pm to 11pm job because apparently I can't find a job which allows me to work while my kids are at school. My children are getting older, and need Moma home to do all the little things, like pick them up from football practices, fill out scholarship applications, and college applications with them, and to referee their fights!
Well, that's what I think anyway. Perhaps because the reality is too depressing to contemplate.
Either way, I love my boys, and want to be home in the evenings.


The job sounds good, though. The lady who interviewed me sounded like I would be a good fit, and is willing to work my schedule around the kids games! So, they sounds very promising. And, let's face it 3pm to 11pm is what I was used to working. I just was hoping not to have to go back there, again.
And, I do know corrections, and am used to the behavior of inmates/prisoners...so I should fit right in.
Hahaha....The staff seemed nice, and she said I might could start next week! which is great because I have a two week break at school, so I can just focus on the new job...Can't wait to get the first paycheck, either way!!!
Now...Its hurry up and wait!

"Rainy Days and Mondays, Always get me down"! (Karen Carpenter)

Okay, so I have not blogged in awhile, but hey I think I only have two followers: Thanks, Dana and KaiKai.
Today marks six months and one week that I have not had a cigarette, unless you count second hand smoke (which I can not help).
Okay, updates:
Me,
I now have two part time jobs, but one is a sub for school district (and school doesn't start for a few more weeks), and a part time nursing job. I quit one job due to the fact that twice in one year they have left me three months with no work, and the other months they only use me a week per month. Matter of fact, as a CNA clinical instructor I probably worked 11-12 weeks in one entire year. And, last year every time I got an opportunity to sub at the schools, I was working as an instructor that week. So the CNA clinical instructor position hardly paid, and cost me other work experience.
School, I still am attending Ashford University online. I currently am on the Dean's list with a 3.95 GPA, and am four classes away from graduation. I should graduate in December (one way or another).
Jamie and I will celebrate our twentieth anniversary this year, and hopefully (if the money comes) will be traveling to Boston, New York, and New Jersey for a week and a half in October. Boston is actually part of one of Jamie's classes (but wont get to go if I can not come up with the $100 deposit). New York and New Jersey because I graduate, and we are celebrating our anniversary. Plus, I think, as long as we don't get mugged or worse, it will be a cool trip. I have never been to any of these places, unless you count looking at them on the map.
Financially, I am still a mess. But, that is because I have racked up a lot of medical bills, and joined a gym right before the one job stopped giving me hours. I have had to stop seeing my trainer, So:
Physically, I have not lost any weight. I had lost 12 lbs, but have put them right back on. 1)not drinking enough water, 2) still drinking soda and coffee, 3) stopped counting calories, 4) can't afford to join WW or JC(weight watchers or jenny craig, 5) am not going to the gym like I should cause my knee hurts too much!
Went to Ortho doc about knee, cried, begged for shot or surgery. I got the shot. This is a gel like shot, called Synvisc or something like that. My knee killed me for 4 days after the shot! So I have not been to the gym since last Monday ( a week) ago, and I have eaten what ever I wanted! Icecream, fries, mac and cheese, etc! I am sooooo bad!!!!!

Timothy,
Left yesterday for Charleston in order to go for a job interview today. I hope he gets a job, because if I can not afford to live on my own, I certainly cannot afford his rent. He and Brittany will start Trident Tech on the 22nd, and move into their new apartment on the 20th! Cutting it close, I know.

Chris,
Started Jrotc again last week (his fourth year), started football practice Friday, and is right now at Football practice. Then he will come home, go straight to his room and beg off from any other labor the rest of the day. Bad thing is: I think he has football practice all week!
He took his Senior Pictures last Thursday (those will cost a fortune), and he registers for classes on this Thursday!!! OMG...This time next year, he will be gone...Just dont know where, yet.
I need $100 to register him for SAT and ACT, so he can apply to the Citadel, and for a ROTC scholarship. If he signs a contract with the Navy or Marines, he can get a full ride scholarship, but must do 5 years in that branch of the military (which he wanted to do anyway)...
He has his permit, but I need 270 dollars for him to take drivers ed, and he can not try for the drivers license until October (but now that is right around the corner)

Brandon:
Has no ambition, and no goals. He stays up until 3 or 4 am and then tries to sleep all day. Last week, I made him stay up all day, because he stayed up all night. Trouble was, he went to bed at 10p, and then was up at 4am! I can't win (rolling my eyes). I have to call his advisor today to see if I can schedule a time to see her and discuss Brandon's options since he failed two classes last year, and they have him classified as a freshman again...OMG, I hope he is not going to be a three year freshman (like a friend of ours was).

Ryan, registers for class on Wed, and tries out next Monday for Middle school football. I hope he makes it, even though I know it is gonna cost me a lot of money. But, he really needs to plan for the future...especially since he is the baby of the four boys...Timmy has Grandma to help financially, Chris is going in the military, Brandon has settlement money, but Ryan has nothing, and neither do his parents!

Well, that's everyone:

Oh No...I forgot about the car: My battery died, hubby fried fuses, father in law replaced fuses, and I spent my last 100 on a new battery...Now cross your fingers and hope nothing else goes wrong...And please pray someone calls me for an interview...I need money!!!!! It is soo boring sitting at home waiting on clothes to finish drying, begging kids to help keep the place cool, and clean...And trying to keep my room clutter free!

One great thing, I will hopefully be moving into a new bedroom when Brit and Tim move out: Their room is the room over the garage, so it is twice the size of mine and my hubby's room. (Yea, we still living with my in laws). Still praying for enough money to pay bills and move out! But seeing as I dont manage what God gives me very well, I don't reckon he will keep blessing me with a lot of money.
And when i move to the new bedroom, then I can get Brandon and Ryan off their couches. Except, they might have a new room...I don't know where I am gonna get beds for them, when I have no money!

One thing, for sure: God always takes care of me and mine! And I just have to keep the faith, that he will continue.

Amazon and Life

The decision is made...Amazon's distribution facility will not be coming to our fair city because of Government! Are we not tired of Government's involvement in our lives yet? I was so looking forward to them coming. They would have provided jobs (much needed jobs) and not taken business from local businesses. I mean, for goodness sakes, I already order from Amazon, as do a lot of my friends! So they would have gotten a tax break! Big Flippin' Deal! It was not a permanent tax break! And the traffic that they would have brought to SC would have been worth it.

Today (and this week) has made me more aware of how much I dislike parts of my job. And how some parts keep getting worse. But, I cannot complain, at least I have a job.

My social life has diminished as I continue to work so many hours. My knee still hurts (some days are better than others), but I am still smoke free (soon to be 5 months). Yep, no cigarette in 5 months. No cheating, no sneaking, and no desire to have one. I just keep telling myself that smoking is an addiction, and like any addict one taste will send me back to my drug of choice.
Now, If only I can figure that out with food, then, I could loose this weight...And be much happier with myself.
Caio...

More Poetry

Deliver Him, Please!


Todays the day!
He will come today, Okay?
Tomorrow he’ll come?
He must not be ready, yet.
Two inches you’ve opened
No further you’ve broadened
Oh, here’s a contraction, don’t you feel?
No, I feel nothing!
What an ordeal!
Hey, Doc? He won’t arrive!
What do you contrive
To bring out my bouncing baby boy?
We wait some more? But,
Wait? We’ve waited a week!
Five more days – Why has he not come?
Hey, doc! I’m gonna freak
Out! Perhaps, a C-section will do
The trick, and deliver him
I can’t wait to kiss his little cheek
Oh! Here he is! And,
What great lungs he has! And,
What a big fellow he is! And,
What a real zeal he has for his meal!
Oh! Look doc, you did it!
He is well worth the wait!

Creative Writing, Week one Assignment

Changed For Life

Beverly Meetze

Eng318 @ Ashford University

April 4^th, 2011

Changed For Life

            The scream still reverberates in my memory, and my wrists still feel the burn. Santa was coming, so we must get ready for bed! My belly was full of cake, cookies, and hot chocolate; and my ears still rang with the melodies of Christmas carols and the laughter of family and friends.  I was dressed in my red nightgown, my arms were tied behind my back, and I was lying on the hard, brown furry lined floor with my ear pressed to the floor so hard as if I would become one with the floor. I just had to hear what was going on downstairs, since I had been ushered off to bed in preparation for Santa’s trip down our chimney. My bed was a Holly Hobby blanket and a pillow on the floor between Moma’s bed and the wall underneath a window facing the street where I could view the chipped paint and smell the odor of age that clung to this house. I was ten years old and knew full well that a fictitious Santa was not coming down our chimney. Daddy was Santa, and I knew it. But, Daddy would not play Santa this particular night, or any night after.

The sirens and lights lit up the night with a wail to echo the original scream. With my hands still behind my back, and my brother now kneeling beside me; I watched as the gurney entered our house. As we watched from our window, the neighbors stood in their red glowing yards and watched. It seemed like hours passed before the men with the gurney carried my Daddy from the house on that gurney. Moma raced behind them and climbed into the truck with Daddy and the men. One man walked around to the front of the truck and the truck rushed down the road. Instead of a sleigh led by a red-nosed reindeer bringing a fat, jolly man with gifts, a carriage took away my fat, jolly man sirens screaming in the night led by a red flashing beacon. It screamed, “Merry Christmas, you silly girl – Remember me”! We watched as the neighbors disappeared into their homes, and then our sister came to untie us and explain that scream to us! The scream had been one word, “Moma!”, and had been filled with fear – the kind of fear you would expect if someone had fallen and hurt themselves. It is the kind of scream you never can forget. It is the kind of scream that changes the landscape of your life within a blink of a second. It is the kind of scream remembered in your dreams and reminds you of all you’ve lost. Somewhere between midnight and dawn I must have dosed off and walked in my sleep. Or the night just became a blur in the mind of a ten year old, because the next thing I remember is waking up at Grandmoma’s house the next morning without my hands tied and sleeping in an actual bed. My life changed drastically on that Christmas Eve, and it was not because of something I got for Christmas, but something I lost that Christmas.

            As I recall, Christmas continued as usual with some obvious differences: Daddy was not there, gifts were opened at Granddad and Grandmoma’s house (who did not have a chimney), and Moma’s eyes and face resembled the lights of the ambulance for many days and weeks to follow. The turkey and dressing did not look different, and the cinnamon of the pumpkin pie still permeated the house, but people forgot to laugh. I was ten, and did not fully understand that my Dad was not coming back to me. He had bought me a beautiful two-story doll house with a green roof. The house was hinged on one side, and opened to view the entire house – left side and right side. The furniture was bundled and ready for me to distribute, but something else caught my attention – a rustle and a meow. All of a sudden a gray kitten ran from under the tree and landed in my lap. I was told years later that my dad had gone the day before to pick up the kitten and left it with Grandmoma so I would not see her before Christmas Day. I named her Merry, and cherished her throughout that long day.  

After that Christmas my brother returned to his boarding school, my sister graduated high  school and moved on to college, and I no longer was tied up at night or made to sleep on the floor. But the most important change was that life had to go on without this strong, outgoing, ever present personality. My dad was larger than life. His belly really did shake when he laughed, and his eyes really did twinkle. He knew how to make a room rock with laughter with his ever present jokes. His eyes not only twinkled but also reflected the sky on a clear, bright, sunny day; and his personality echoed that brightness. I cannot remember my dad ever crying or being angry (at least not at me). He could turn those baby blues on me, and I would feel a world of love and security emanating from him. But all, that changed on that Christmas Eve. Moma, who had never been my champion, became quiet, sullen, and withdrawn. She stayed in her room, ignored house work, and ignored the phone, the bills, and me. It often felt as if I was the only person in the house because while her body was present, she was not. It was as if Daddy had taken her with him, and in fact that is probably what she had wished for (I know I had).

            Before Daddy died, I would ride to school with Daddy, eat breakfast with him before school, and then entertain him after school or watch television with him. I did minor chores around the house like folding clothes, doing dishes, dusting on the weekend, and occasionally cleaning up after Moma’s recent pet. But, after Daddy died, sadness sagged our little house to the foundation, the stove became an ornament, the freezer entertained pot pies and T.V. dinners, cleaning became the norm for me from the age of ten to fourteen. I vacuumed, washed clothes, cleaned every room, dusted, swept and mopped, took out the trash, and brought in the mail. After a while I even delivered the checks to the bill collectors. I became an adult in a few short months. I continued my education because: 1) it was the law and 2) because I loved school and would not think of skipping out on school. But, at home laughter was not tolerated and life just seemed to stall. While Moma became quiet and sad, I became angry and secretly turned my back on God. I blamed Him for taking my father, and asked why he did not take my Mom instead. I listened to everyone’s words telling me that God had taken my Dad because he was needed as an angel. As a child, I could not understand that logic because Daddy was my angel, and how dare God take him from me. I could not understand why God had brought Daddy into my life when I was three, only to take him away seven very short years later.

            Changes were not strange to me, even for such a young girl. I had been adopted by this Dad, been loved and protected. He gave me and my family security, but he was sick. He struggled through one open heart surgery after another. He smoked, he laughed, he loved, and he shared all he had with two children who had no one. Then he died, and changed those two children’s lives again. It was not his fault, or God’s. But, I wanted someone to blame, and turned out my Mom wanted someone to blame too. I blamed God; Moma blamed me and my brother. Five years and two months after daddy died, I tried to run away from home and Moma tried to kill herself with pills. And, life changed one more time.     

Week One, guestion one in Creative Writing Class: Digging out of the Soot and Ash

As entered in class: 

As a child, I was very extroverted and talkative. I knew no stranger, and loved everyone. If you sat down beside me, I would strike up a conversation with you over anything. I trusted everyone. As I grew up, I may have become a little more selective about whom I conversed with, but I cannot say I ever judged too harshly a book by its cover. As an adult, I could be standing in the line at the grocer and just start talking to the person or persons in the line next to me. Everyone has a story, after all.  But, many things, big and small, have occurred to me and around me which influenced my openness to others. My trust has been shaken to its foundation on many occasions; but, no event quaked and blew up as hard as the day my son told me “Mr. Porter and I kissed each other’s willies”. Trust? It, like the ash of a volcano, flew miles and miles from me in a split second. The heat of anger would and probably did singe a few people that day, and in the subsequent days and weeks to follow. I was thanked by school officials for my composure and my demeanor throughout the process of accusing, arresting, and questioning which followed my son’s outburst. If they only knew of the turmoil boiling inside me, they would have kept their thanks to themselves. My heart and my head knew not what to believe or who to trust, and my arms wanted nothing more than to surround my children and never let them out of my sight ever again. My core beliefs, my faith, and my love of people seemed to have been buried in ash that day; and, I have been digging my way out ever since.

I fell away from my church, I questioned ever action that had lead up to this event, and I questioned and doubted every friendship and/or relationship I had at that time. My life fell apart in a blink of an eye. Work became unbearable, school became a struggle, bills piled up, and my life became one trip after another to doctors, psychologists, and therapists with my son. I felt deceived, angry, lost, confused, heavy (just weighted down), and abandoned; but, I knew I had to put my mask on around the kids. There was a grieving process, because my son had lost his innocence at seven years old, but there was no reality, anymore. It was as if I was going through the motions, and none of the emotions. But the greatest emotion I felt during that time was distrust. This, in hind-sight is a puzzle to me, because my life had not been that sheltered to have not known monsters existed. But, I guess in my world, these things did not happen to me or mine. Especially, when we were good people, we paid our tithes, read our bibles, and worshiped God as we were instructed. I thought, God had already brought be through the fire!

This event changed my life, my son’s life, and the lives of so many other people. But, we survived the volcano, even though we are still cleaning up the ash and soot. Plants are growing through the soot in places, though. Trust is finding a foot-hold once more, and the volcano lies dormant, at least for now. I realize that there are many children like my son, and many guilty and weighted mothers like me out there in the world. Is my story of trial, tribulation, and triumph worth telling and sharing? If it should help one person, then - yes!

16 days

Today is the 16th day without a Cigarette. I have not had a soda in at least 10-12 days...I just can not give up my coffee, yet. My tea is de-caf, though. So far, I do not think I have lost any weight, but I have not been exercising at all, yet. I am scared of the pain in my knee...I know...That makes me a chicken! LOL

January 19 2011

First of All:::: Happy Birthday to my Youngest, Ryan. Today he is 13 yrs old...And I love him soooo much and am soooo Proud of Him!

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. Today, I thought I would be starting a new job, however God had other plans for me. I keep having to remind myself that God promised me that he would not give me more than I can handle. Therefore, I am thinking that this new job would have been more than I could handle.
Today, I went to my new job, sat through report, and treatment team meetings, mostly because the nurses basically did not know where to put me. At sometime between 10 and 11 this morning, I was informed that the position I had interviewed for and been offered (according to my congradulatory letter), had been given to another nurse a month ago. I am not very sure about who's job it was to inform who of what...but I am of the mind that someone should have called me, informed me before or during orientation. Instead, I sat through 2 weeks of class, 2 weeks of one test after another, BEST training (thats where we have to learn how to get out of trouble if a patient gets a hold of us), and CPR. I probably will not get the CPR card, now...(not sure why that just popped in my head).

So, I asked about the weekly position at my other job (which would be 5 hrs each night Mon-Fri) which had just come opened last Friday. But, it has already been offered to the nurse in Orientation.
But by some fluke, I had not turned in my resignation letter for Columbia Healthcare, the CNA clinical instructor position. Three hours after being told I no longer had a position at Bryan Psych, I was receiving a call about Clinicals with Columbia Healthcare.

So, now I am praising the Lord. I do not mean that I was cursing him earlier...because I was not. I basically was wondering why such crazy stuff always happens to me. And I was asking him, "Now, What?"
I am so trying to stay positive on this! I will not let the devil interfere anymore!

As a Final Note, It has been two weeks (tomorrow) since I had a Cigarette. I just keep telling myself, "You are just like an alcoholic or addict; One puff and you will be hooked again. Do not do it!" I came so close to caving earlier today, but abstained! So, for that I am proud...