The Clinical instructor position is every other week, and the LPN position at the CCH is every weekend. Neither job is hard, but neither job is still want I am happy with.
First, the CCH job is depressing because I lived there 20 years ago, and it is nothing like it used to be. Matter of fact it reminds me more of John de la Howe now. I mean even the furniture is exactly like the furniture at De la Howe school. The beds, chairs, couches, every thing is the same.
The clinical job would be great, except my leg is killing me by the time I leave the floor at 2:30pm. I have to be up, watching, teaching, and observing the students the whole week.
It makes me wonder if I will be able to even work as a teacher, if and when I do get my English degree.
Right now, February 2012 seems so far away, and the money I need to pay bills and past due debts seems so far away.
I guess I am just letting the argument with my son get to me, because usually I am not this down (well, every now and again, I get like this).
It just seems like I will never get the things I want. Like I will be stuck living in this house the rest of my days, that I will be living with pain the rest of my days, that I will be broke the rest of my life, that my kids will never love me or respect me, and that I will never have a happy marriage.
I will die not knowing what could have been. Is it horrible for me to wonder how calm life would be without me in it. Does every one have these doubts and struggles in life? If not, then why me?
I do not feel loved, supported, respected, or powerful. I feel powerless. I am not in control of my destiny! Why?
