Does it really matter?

For years I have told my children to look at any situation and think, "Will this matter this much tomorrow?". I used to say, "No!"; but does it really? Does what your brother or sister say to you really matter? Does not getting to go to your friends house matter? Does doing your homework before television time, really matter? YES!!! Because they make up a memory! They make memories that we can't replace, duplicate, fabricate, or deny. 

Yesterday, we buried a man I barely knew - a man I had no memories with. He was my father, but not my Daddy, and yet I honored him by showing up - even if he couldn't show up in my life. But, it matters - to me!

Yesterday, I finally got to meet a man I have never known! He's a good man, never-mind the fact that he, too, didn't have a daddy! It matters that I got to meet him. We don't have the memories of being scrappy siblings, or memories of celebrating birthdays, weddings, graduations, births, etc. It matters to me that I don't have memories. 

What does matter is that I showed up! And, that he showed up! We made a memory. 

I have so many thoughts in my head that are way too jumbled up to explain how I feel. But, sometimes, I think I spend too much time worrying about how I feel, and forget to consider how the other person feels.

I imagine what he thinks when he sees me, what does he feel about having a sister who really isn't a sister by any other means than blood. I wonder if his life is so full that he doesn't have room for me. I wonder if there is room for him in my life. I have been hurt so much in my life that I become too sensitive too soon. I put up walls to deflect the pain because I just don't want to feel it.

But, then yesterdays happen, and I wonder is this what my funeral will look like? Too few people to remember my life? What legacy do I leave behind? What memories? Will anyone love me, remember me fondly, KNOW me? Will tears fall to see me gone? Or will every eye be dry? 

From life, I want happiness and joy. I want love and support. I want peace. And, I want strong connections with my families, my children, my friends, and my husband. I want loving Memories! 

I don't want anymore REGRETS. I have too many, already. And most of all, I don't want anymore pain! I don't want to be the cause of pain, or the recipient of it. 

I want every moment to MATTER!!! Is there enough time in this world to make up for time lost? NO! We can only move forward....We need to make every effort to make new, lasting, and happy memories. If not for me, then for my children.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder what matters - what's important. If people have no money, then money matters. If a woman or a man has no spouse, then finding that someone matters. If a couple can't have a baby, then becoming parents matters. Well, when children grow up without one parent or another, or neither; family becomes important. Hopefully! 

You matter, I matter, We matter!!! 

With all my love, Beverly.